it's not your fault AND you have to take responsibility
When I was 8 years old, I made a conscious decision that had already been decided well before I was conceived.
We were heading to Savannah, Georgia for a church revival, traveling caravan style with our play-family (that's when the folks you call fam aren't really your aunt, uncle and cousins, but they still really are your aunt, uncle and cousins ). These were trips I looked forward to because this was as good as it got for a family vacation and I especially loved roadtrips — they allowed time for me to be quiet, see the world, draw, write or work on my latest art or knitting project.
But this trip turned out to be particularly important.
Waking from a nap, I left my face pressed against the conversion van window, watching the mansion and mini-mansion homes with accompanying docked boats pass by. As we prepared for a rest stop, I heard two things:
the tail end of a tension-filled and heated conversation between my mother and step-father about finances for the trip and what (not) to expect when we returned home. It was uncomfortable enough for me to tilt my head just a bit to see the tears behind my mother's eyes and embarrassment left lingering in the wake of my step-father's footsteps.
a voice that said "You're here to do differently. You're here to change this now and moving forward. It doesn't have to be this way." In which it seems, to my recollection now, I agreed to immediately and telepathically.
Fixing my gaze back to my reflection in the window, I looked into my own eyes as if to seal the deal and made this pack with myself:
I will heal myself and my family from dysfunction and financial troubles. I will go to and graduate college and have a career and life I love (one with paid-travel, vacation time and perks I remember adding). I will always be able to help others grow and move forward from toxic situations. I will be an example of doing things differently and for the better.
What any relationship counselor, codependency coach or licensed family therapist will tell you is that what little Ash(ley) witnessed leading up to, but especially on that day, shaped her entire belief system and behaviors around romantic relationships, socialized gender roles, respectability politics, money and finances, boundaries, and responsible caretaking of others...to name a few.
But that's just the tip of the iceberg.
You see, beyond the wounds, traumas and unsavory situations we actually experience (or witness) in our own lives, we also inherit the emotions, energetics and living cells filled with the data of others' experiences just like mine... and worse... from our parents, grand parents, their parents, and theirs, and, and, and.
And that [here's the kicker] no matter how much mental and emotional healing you do, you have only scratched the surface of breaking through if you haven't gotten TO THE ROOT CAUSE OF TRAUMA ON AN ENERGETIC LEVEL to heal, elevate and move yourself and your family forward into wellness.
Why?
Because we've all walked into an empty room after an argument occured unbeknownst to us and felt things just weren't right in the space. We've each experienced seeing repeating patterns in family member's lives whether in close proximity of each other or completely estranged. And I bet I'm not the only one who's looked up just to see a part of her life is mirroring that of her grandmother's or tales of a great-grand.
Energy affects us.
And within this context, energy is the Spirit(s) of our deceased family members living in and around us.
Which means that if our lives are not only our own or in isolation, and we are in fact sharing the energies with those who created and lived deeply tramatic experiences (because history and humans), we have to do a little more digging to get to and heal the core wounds creating dis-ease, discomfort, separation, fear and patterns of oppression within ourselves, our families and our society.
How do I know?
Beyond my own lived experience, it's what I've been working in, studying on and unpacking since 2015 consciously, age 8 unknowingly, and before birth undoubtedly.
And while we have a lot of education and therapeutic offerings on emotional trauma and cognitive healing, folks are still suffering. And that's not to knock therapy and education — we most definitely need those.
with love and devotion to my path,
Ash x
p.s. If this article touches your heart and you find your head nodding in understanding and agreement, trust yourself to follow what feels like the next step. It may be to journal about what's risen for you, to reach out for a consultation to connect, to join my newsletter community or to find a way to do less today in a way that aligns with who you really are.
Whatever you do, don't brush off what connects and calls to you.
When you do that, you are being complacent in your own limiting cycles